Testimony of God’s Work in Me

I grew up in a home that was always centred around faith. We went to church every Sunday and I was taught from a young age that I was a sinner and I needed to save through Jesus ‘s sacrifice on the cross. When I was 6 years old I accepted this truth and was saved. I was growing in my faith. 

My school years were not easy for me. I was constantly rejected and ridiculed by my peers. Although I heard the truth of scripture I didn’t know how to apply those to what I was feeling and going through. All I longed for was acceptance. But this desire, from my perspective was being meet. I didn’t see that Jesus was always there fully loving and accepting me. This grew in me a lot of fear and that fear was what I was living by. 

I came to my breaking point when I was in high school, my fear of failure, rejection and ridicule became so much that I had constant anxiety about going anywhere. I longed for security and comfort, to feel safe. The world was not a safe place in my mind. Nothing I seemed to be able to do could change my fears and feelings. My solution was to isolate, I shut down and refused to live life. My comfort was in the safety of my home. 

But even that safety would start to break down and my feelings and fear eventually would take over that as well. I felt like my world was spinning out of control, I couldn’t control anything. I looked for control anywhere I could. One way was controlling what I ate. This was the one thing I could control. I stopped eating and with this developing eating disorder came more misery. I didn’t know what to do. My thoughts were crashing over me. I wanted out, I just wanted it to end. Thoughts of harming myself and escaping from it all became ever more increasing and enticing. I didn’t know where else to turn. 

In all of this I forgot where my hope is, where my security and comfort comes from. I was just going through my days not knowing where to turn. The Lord taught me so much in those times. He was showing me that we need to surrender our desire for control over to him. That he is trustworthy. Psalms 119:71 “It was good for me to afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” I can truly say this is true of my experience. God was drawing me closer to himself through our suffering. God taught me through this time to rely on his strength and not my own. 

During all of this the Lord brought me through so many things, I went to two years of bible college at Word of Life Bible Institute. My first year in Owen Sound Canada and My second year In Scroon Lake New York. I was even blessed to be able to intern on campus for a year. I was able to intern at my church and move into full time ministry. I was able to experience leading children’s ministry and also able to coordinate the women’s ministry department. This is where my passion grew to see others love Jesus more and learn where there hope and help comes from. I wanted to learn more of how to help people and how God’s word could change lives. I wanted to pursue more in biblical counselling. 

I went to an internship in Indiana for 18 months at a residential ministry for young women. Women 14+ came who were struggling with addictions, eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal thinking, anxiety, depression and many more things. I learned how God could take there life, stories like mine and change them and give them hope. God did a work in me, he showed me idols that were still present in my heart. Things that I still were putting in front of full surrender to him. Things still like security, comfort and acceptance. God showed me how he is better, far surpasses everything I need. Jesus fully satisfies. He was teaching me to give over those things and rest in who he is. 

My fear of rejection is abolished when I look to my Heavenly Father who unconditionally loves and accepts me. My longing for security is fully complete in him. He holds me in his hands and nothing will take me away from that love, not my fears, not my circumstance and not my sin. Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”My desire for comfort can be fully  found in Jesus, he comforts us with his love and promises. Psalms 94:19 “when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”We can draw close to him and find hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am pursuing Biblical counselling certification to serve the Lord and show others where hope I found. 

I still face rejection, I still face fear everyday. But I know where my hope is found. I know where to turn. No longer do I need to feel defeated and weighted down. Jesus is my portion and fully statists. I am child of the king and he brings victory.

     Lamentations 3:21-25 

“Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

    to the one who seeks him;”